Subscription
Premium tiers for people who enjoy paying for things that are already free.
Everything on OpenCloudBot is free and always will be, which presents a serious business problem. To solve it, we built these completely fictional subscription tiers. None of them can be purchased. All of them are somehow already active on your account.
Choose your imaginary plan
Free
$0 / forever
Unlimited* chat, the blog, the arcade, and an account that knows almost nothing about you.
* limited by a quota we describe as "unlimited" for legal-satire reasons.
✓ You already have this
Cloud+
$0 / month, billed never
Everything in Free, plus a smug sense of superiority and a checkmark you have to imagine. The cloud occasionally thinks about replying faster, then doesn't.
Cloud Ultra Galactic
3 USB-C cables / month
Everything in Cloud+, plus priority access to the same servers as everyone else, a frameable certificate of patronage, and the right to tell people you subscribed.
Billing FAQ
How do I upgrade? You can't. The buttons below are load-bearing decoration.
How do I cancel? Also impossible, but in a comforting way — there is nothing to cancel.
Will my card be charged? No. We never ask for one. If a page on this site ever asks for payment details, it is not us, and you should leave immediately.
Subscription confirmed for the low price of nothing. Welcome to the same experience.
OpenCloudBot is a personal, non-profit project intended for technical parody and satire. There are no paid plans and no payments — these tiers exist purely for the joke.